Ok, so I trip a lot. I look at my sandals, and notice that both of them are pretty much totally worn through to the bottom. In hopes that purchasing new sandals will solve all of my life's problems, I head out with a friend in search of a new pair. Should be pretty normal, right? Yeah, right.
H&M in Georgetown. 5 pm. I don't like the sandals, so I do the next best thing: I try on a green shirt. I look hideous. Hmph, maybe it's not the shirt, I wonder, as I tear off the shirt and escape from the dressing room as fast as I can. I meet said friend downstairs; she wants to purchase a shirt before we continue our sandal-scavenger hunt. As we get in line, there's 1 person in front of us. "Does this make me look prudish?" I look up, and see a female creature looking back at me. The 1 person in line was one of those people who could have been anywhere from 19 to 91 years old. I've heard the phrase, "nothing is impossible" many time throughout my life; however, it was truly impossible to accurately label this creature on a scale of grape to raisin. She was wearing an outfit that looked like she should be on her way to a Christmas party. Oh yeah, it's July. That's normal. When I looked at her, only 2 words came to mind: candy cane.
"What?" I ask, thinking that I misheard what she said.
"Does this make me look prudish?
She is holding up a flesh-colored wrinkled skirt. I have zero sense of style, but I intuitively knew that this was the kind of skirt that you need to meet 3 criteria to wear: 1. Your name must be Olga; 2. You must be a troll; 3. You must eat babies.
"Yes.", my friend responds, in a I'm-not-gonna-yank-yo-chain-or-bust-yo-balls kind of way.
The Candy Cane turns to me for a second opinion.
"Anything that you're wearing looks beautiful", I say. I somehow manage to keep a straight face. The next thing I know, I'm being hugged by a Candy Cane. Not a quick hug, either. It most certainly involved several pats on the back. Was she drunk? Sadly, I begin to suspect that she's totally sober. She proceeds to purchase Olga's skirt. To make things even stranger, she then begins to try on articles of clothing, one-by-one, from the pile that she placed on the counter along side the cash register. She then asks the poor, poor cashier for her opinion of several of the items. Phew, I guess I'm off the hook.
Or not. Candy turns around again, this time holding a leopard-print bikini bottom. Only the bottom. I smile and say, "Now THAT makes you look prudish", in those exact words. An odd honking noise comes out of her; I suspect it was a laugh. She once again starts trying on various articles of clothing; my friend suggest that I take her shirt and walk to a different line, while she waits behind Candy. I agree. A relay-race! Sounds fun. I try not to glace at Candy...but it's somewhat like looking into the sun; you don't want to do it, you know you'll regret it, but you do it anyways. Candy is looking in my direction, and smiling. Hot damn, that's creepy.
I win the relay-race (insert gasp-of-surprise here), and friend comes over to my line to pay for her shirt. We leave, luckily without any further minty encounters. We go to Banana Republic, where I try on a size small green shirt with an elephant on it, because it's green and has an elephant on it. The shirt is too big. Hmph, maybe I'm not an elephant afterall.
We go to Urban Outfitters. The only sandals that fit me look like a zebra vomited on them. I'm about to try on a shirt with a pelican on it, when my friend comes up to me and says, "I lost my earring". She thinks it fell off while trying on a shirt back at Nanner Commonwealth. We leave without buying anything, and go back to Plantain Federation. We go straight to the cashier. "Have you found an earring that looks like this?" My friend shows the cash-lady the remaining earring.
"Yes," the cashier says. "But then I lost it." And she was serious.
still want my earring back, although reading this makes it kinda worth losing
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